Pinot Noir please

Not really. And that’s what’s really bugging me. I don’t want a drink. What I want, is to want to have a drink. Really. Not necessarily a throw-down-throw-up-black-out drunk, I didn’t (always)  want those when I was drinking, but a sit and listen to blues, sip a deep dry red and just chill drink. Like a normal person having a bad day.

I just don’t want to. I really would like to, believe as far as excuses go, this is a perfect time to, expected and such. I can say, “Do you know what’s been happening?!” Also there is the out, for my acquaintances, “Well, you know what’s been happening, right?” Easy for everyone.

It’s not a money thing either. I was never worried about money. Come on, when you are 95% short on rent and your credit cards are over the limit, does it really matter if you blow twenty or thirty bucks on drinking?

I am ‘technically’ homeless in a few weeks. Lucky enough to have a friend with a spare room that is willing to lend it out. “Anything you can pay will help me too.”   A tall can in a brown bag is part of the dress code, rule isn’t it? I have been struggling with listing my camping gear for sale. I need the money but, the shelter and such could become very important soon.

A funny thing did come from this. An actor acquaintance of mine who is still in high school commented on this, “I can’t believe it is that hard to find a job. So many of my friends, kids, have jobs.” There was no intention of hurting my feelings, belittling or to humiliate. Just a comment. It did however, leave a mark. I could go on for quite a while about it and most likely will in another post. For now, it just sits in my head filling up the space I want to be full of desire for a cocktail.

Damn it.