Why do you keep looking? Do you not believe me? I know – that I even put that question up here makes you right and me wrong.
The value of this experiment has past. What I need to say right here, right now, I cannot.
It was suggested I share light and fun things and pictures of wild animals. I would do that if I had anything light and airy to go on about.
The immanent showdown of nuclear power in Korea and very opportunistic unrest in Iran are fun subjects. The never to be solved issue of affordable health care in the US is another joyful arena.
Although, I did get my approval to make an appointment today. My visit to the ER was 4/9/09 My leg is STILL numb. My appointment to apply for financial consideration was on 4/27/09 and was approved on 6/15/09. The next available doctor’s appointment is July 24th at 4pm. I would imagine the damage being done has not stopped or diminished much in the last three + moths and will continue right up until July 24th when the clinic will do something like order a freaking useless X-Ray and give me ten samples boxes of some pain medication even though I am not in pain anymore. Just cannot feel the freaking leg.
OH HEY! Here’s a 
cute picture!
I did not have any expectations of what this blog would do, be, accomplish. I did not even start it. I just acquiesced to maintaining and contributing. It had a purpose, I think, that it did not in anyway accomplish.
Along the way it picked up alternative meaning, to me. I took full advantage of it’s usefulness.
I commented on this before, yet let if slide since I thought I could get around the negative impact. I was dead wrong.
The open, honest, detail of me – to whoever choose to take the time to peruse it – was critically stupid on so many levels I am sure I have not yet discovered them all.
Removing the blog – which I will as soon as I figure out how to save the content – will not be of too much use. What’s “out there” is out there with my name on it. The only people reading it are the ones who google you name when they get your job application.
It’s curious – at one time two or three people a day would read this. At one time it was three or four dozen. Back to two or three. Two or three that I would prefer not.
This in not longer helpful to or for me. Since it was about me to begin with, it seems just fine to end it. I gots nothing else to say.
It will not reach the milestone I had begun to look at each day. It will not take up anymore time. It will not sit idle and wait for replies or comments. It will free up whatever space it has taken up.
Since this started, this sharing all my bullshit with whoever decided to read it, I have commented on the past more that once.
I went on and on about how an elusive and vague thing it is – dependant on human observation, recollection and interpretation. I went so far as to say the past could be changed – because our recollection and interpretation of it changed.
Then there was the time I gushed about the joy of people from my past, people I thought I would never hear from again, never know, turned up to say hi. I was thrilled at the prospect. What a wonderful reprieve from the mistake once made. Forever is seemed was not that long after all.
Guess what I learned today? The past does not change. I may not remember it, or have forgotten the lesson – but no one else has. I am still the same self-centered fuck I was back then. I am still known as who I was then, and obviously still am now. I as not forgiven my mistakes and shortcoming and flaws because I deserved it, earned it by becoming better, or because anyone looked back to see that maybe I was not all the much an asshole after all. I was not forgiven at all. Someone just offered it up to make their error of not being forgiving go away. So they would feel better about themselves. Not at all because they thought any different of me.
I was wrong – my past is still a jumble of screwed up decisions, half truths and whole lies. It lacked morality, order, style, substance and any form of value.
I have left ugly marks on all that have had the misfortune to encounter me. Pity those fools that thought they loved me. They made the biggest mistakes of all.
I don’t know how to apologize any more. There is nothing I can do. I do not even know for sure what happened. It is certainly my own version, recall, interpretation.
If I ever answered you when you asked me why, not matter what I told you, change the answer to, ‘I don’t know’. Does not matter who you are or what you asked. What ever reason I gave you, I am sure it was not correct.
AV
